When You’re Always the One Who Has to Step Up

Hello MindFull Readers,

“Mum had a fall.”

That was the message my brother sent me late at night. I read it in the morning, and instead of feeling worried, I felt… frustrated. Exhausted. Even resentful.

Not because I don’t care about my mother. But because, once again, I was the one expected to drop everything, while my brothers—one on holiday, the other overseas for work—had the luxury of simply informing me. No offer of help. No discussion. Just another silent expectation that I would handle it.

And that expectation didn’t just come from them. It came from years—decades—of conditioning.

Growing up as the oldest daughter, I carried the weight of responsibilities that were never mine to bear. My mother’s needs, her emotions, her crises—they all became mine to manage. She has always been emotionally manipulative, using guilt, comparison, and emotional blackmail to keep me under her control. And for so many years, I complied. Because that’s what “good daughters” do, right?

I had learned, through painful experience, that my mother’s “emergencies” were rarely true emergencies. That she had a habit of making minor inconveniences seem catastrophic. That her demands were often about control, not actual need.

So when I got that text, my reaction wasn’t Oh no, how can I help? It was Why does this always fall on me?

And that’s when I knew—this situation wasn’t just about a fall from a ladder. It was about years of emotional burden.

Recognising the Pattern & Breaking Free

If you’ve ever been the “default caregiver” in your family, you might know this feeling well:

• The automatic expectation that you will be the one to step up.

• The guilt when you don’t rush to help, even when you’re drowning in your own responsibilities.

• The quiet resentment that builds over time because no one else seems to carry the load.

For so long, I believed that love and duty were the same thing. That if I didn’t drop everything for my mother, I was being cold or ungrateful. But I’ve learned that’s not true.

So this time, I didn’t rush. Instead, I did something different:

✅ I checked in with myself first: Do I actually want to be involved, or do I feel obligated?

✅ I responded neutrally: “I hope she’s okay. Has she arranged for medical attention if needed?”

✅ I released the guilt: I am not a bad daughter for prioritising my own family and well-being.

✅ I reminded myself: If this were a real emergency, there are professionals who can help. It is not solely my responsibility.

And for the first time, instead of feeling guilt, I felt relief.

You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone

If this resonates with you, I want you to know:

🩵 You are not selfish for setting boundaries.

🩵 You are not responsible for managing your parent’s emotions or crises.

🩵 You are allowed to prioritise your own life and family.

Being a good daughter does not mean sacrificing yourself at every turn. It’s okay to step back. It’s okay to say no. And it’s okay to let others carry their own weight.

I would love to hear from you—have you ever felt like the “default caregiver” or the “parentified child” in your family? How did you handle it? How can we prevent this from happening with our own children? 🩵

With warmth and mindfulness,

Michelle Lim | Reparenting Life Coach - I help you transform your generational trauma cycle to become a positive generational cycle while embracing your inner child.

P.S. If you'd like to set up a free, 30-minute, no obligation, Healing & Growth Call with me to explore whether I am the right Reparenting Life Coach for you please book a slot at this link https://calendly.com/michelle-lim-tmp/healing-and-growth-call

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