The Hard Truth About Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

What makes co-parenting with a narcissistic ex so difficult? The answer may not be what you think.

Author

Michelle Lim
September 23, 2024

Hello MindFull Readers,

I remember vividly being used as a weapon in my parents’ marriage, a painful tug-of-war that persisted long after their divorce. It’s something that left deep mental wounds, scars that I still carry today.

Now, as a mother of three, I find myself facing a similar challenge—but from the other side. One of my children is now caught in a similar dynamic with a narcissistic parent (one of our ex-spouses, to be specific). The feelings that bubble to the surface through my memories have been overwhelming at times, almost crippling.

It’s a painful déjà vu and I often question myself on how to best handle this situation.

  • How do I speak with our child without painting their other parent as “the bad guy”?

  • How can I ensure our home is a safe space where they feel heard and understood?

  • How do I avoid making the same mistakes my parents made?

  • When is the right time to introduce certain concepts, so they grow up feeling empowered to make choices on their own terms?

And the list goes on...

I often hear people wonder, “Is it possible to co-parent with a narcissistic ex-spouse?” The short answer? No. But before we dive into why that’s the case, let’s take a moment to understand what makes co-parenting with a narcissist so challenging.

The Narcissistic (Ex-)Spouse

Here are some characteristics of a narcissistic (ex-)spouse that make co-parenting next to impossible:

  • Control: They need to be in control, gaining satisfaction from manipulating situations to suit them.

  • Gaslighting and guilt-tripping: You’ll often find yourself doubting your reality as they twist the truth.

  • Blame-shifting: No matter the issue, they will always find a way to make you the one at fault.

  • Victim-playing: They’re masters at portraying themselves as the wronged party.

  • Weaponising the child: To them, the child isn’t an individual—they’re an extension, used as a tool to manipulate and hurt others.

The Impact on You and Your Child

Being subjected to this behavior has damaging effects on both the child and the non-narcissistic parent. Over time, you might notice:

  • Feeling powerless: It seems like no matter what you do, nothing changes.

  • Constant self-doubt: You begin questioning your decisions, even your reality.

  • Hyper-vigilance: Always on high alert, anticipating the next manipulative move.

  • Fear: That heavy, suffocating fear that colors every interaction.

And you can imagine how all of this affects a child caught in the middle. The emotional toll is immense.

Is Co-Parenting Possible? Is It Worth It?

The answer is no. You cannot co-parent with someone who cannot reflect on the harm they are causing by using their child as a pawn.

But, that doesn’t mean you’re out of options. There are ways to navigate this incredibly difficult situation—and I’ll share more about that in next week’s newsletter.

In the meantime, if you or someone you know is in a similar situation, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support, whether it’s from a loved one or a professional.

With warmth and mindfulness,

Michelle Lim | Reparenting Life Coach - I help you break your generational trauma cycle and support inner child healing, so that you can live your life to your fullest potential.

P.S.: If you'd like to set up a free, 30-minute, no obligation, Healing & Growth Call with me to explore whether I am the right Reparenting Life Coach for you please book a slot at this link https://calendly.com/michelle-lim-tmp/healing-and-growth-call

Michelle Lim | Mother of 3 | Multi-Coach | Founder of The MindFull Parent | Writer | Preschool Educator | Babywearing Specialist | Breastfeeding Mentor

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