Arguing in Front of Kids: The Surprising Way to Do It Right

Ever witnessed your parents argue? Discover how to turn disagreements into powerful lessons for your children and break the cycle of unhealthy conflict.

Author

Michelle Lim
July 01, 2024

Hello MindFull Readers,

Have you ever encountered your parents arguing in front of you? If the answer is yes, how did they argue, and how did it make you feel?

Let's be real, everyone argues occasionally. Disagreements are a part of being human, each of us with our unique perspectives. Today, let's talk about parents arguing in front of their children and how it can be done healthily.

We can’t always keep strong disagreements hushed or hide emotional tension behind cool smiles. Worse yet, explosive outbursts in front of everyone can be damaging. Children are intuitive and can often sense when their parents are unhappy, even if they don't show it. It's not the argument that hurts them, but how the argument is handled.

I’ve experienced the full spectrum with my parents, from screaming profanities and physical violence to self-harm and the "Cold War." The damage this did to me as a child was tremendous, and I only realized the extent of it when I matured into adulthood.

Here are a few negative behaviors I witnessed as a child:

  • Physical aggression (hitting each other)

  • Self-harm (slamming their heads against walls)

  • Silent treatment

  • Pulling children into arguments as judges

  • Guilt-tripping each other

Witnessing these behaviors consistently during my formative years led to:

  • Guilt feelings

  • Depression

  • Anxiety

  • Difficulty standing up for myself

  • Becoming a peacekeeper

  • Conflict avoidance

As a parent now, I reflect on how I used to argue with my ex-husband and how I argue with my current spouse. In a healthy relationship, there should be room for healthy arguments that are focused on tackling the challenge together. Remembering my parents' arguments makes me more conscious of how it’s done in front of our three children.

What do my partner and I do?

  • We agree to discuss some things privately in another room.

  • We openly discuss our concerns calmly and constructively in front of the children.

  • We help each other come up with ideas to improve the situation.

  • We respect each other no matter what the situation is.

  • We ensure our mood does not affect how we treat our children.

Things we are working on:

  • Focusing more on finding solutions together.

  • Being more open-minded during arguments.

  • Avoiding shutting down, as I used to regulate my emotions with silent treatment.

When children see their parents argue respectfully and handle disagreements with grace, it teaches them:

  • To respect others' opinions

  • What a healthy relationship looks like

  • How to handle an argument gracefully

  • Teamwork

  • Problem-solving skills

How you argue in front of your children truly matters. It's not necessarily bad to have disagreements; let’s normalize and encourage healthy types of disagreements. Remember the influence your parents had on you as a child when showing how they handled arguments. Even for adults without children, breaking out of the generational cycle can lead to healthier and more constructive ways of navigating arguments.

If you'd like to set up a free, 30-minute, no obligation, Healing & Growth Call with me to explore whether I am the right Reparenting Life Coach for you please book a slot at this link https://calendly.com/michelle-lim-tmp/healing-and-growth-call

With warmth and mindfulness,

Michelle Lim | Founder of The MindFull Parent | Reparenting Life Coach

Michelle Lim | Mother of 3 | Multi-Coach | Founder | Author | Preschool Educator | Babywearing Specialist | Breastfeeding Mentor

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